In families, our ability to love others and be loved by others is exposed and challenged. Friendships or professional connections make us vulnerable in their own way, but marriage and parenting have an energy to break through our defenses and frustrate our efforts toward isolation and self-sufficiency. One might say that in marriage our partner acts as a mirror, reflecting back areas of our life that need to be examined. Uniquely within the marriage partnership, this dynamic is particularly powerful, as we have joined our lives with someone in a commitment to live and love. At times, we are painfully aware of the patterns or tendencies they show us; there may be other times when we are shocked and appalled at what the reflection exposes. We may feel shame at being unveiled - perhaps incapable of affecting any change. We can crumble under the weight of our own shame. We might even lash back out with our own criticism in order to reject what we are being asked to see. Sometimes our partner’s reflection back to us represents a message we have been actively avoiding for decades.
The reflection that is shown to us can be somewhat clear, coming from a person that is relatively healthy; or can be distorted like a funhouse mirror, coming from a partner who may be wounded, lonely, and bitter. As a spouse, it is important to do two things:
-When being reflected, we must learn to recognize the value of our spouse’s feedback and to listen to the heart within them. This means being more curious, and looking past anger to see hurt, fear, and loneliness that may drive it. To be willing to look in the mirror means to risk hurt, and we will likely need support and care in order to try.
-When we reflect our spouse, we must learn to be a trustworthy mirror, offering honest and loving feedback. This means forgiving, and working on our own health in order to offer a clear picture to our partner. If we hold up our mirror in anger as a weapon, we run a greater risk of doing more damage. If we are employing humility by being aware of our own shortcomings, we will be more likely to offer a helpful reflection.
It is wonderful to behold a couple whose members begin to see one another clearly for the first time. To shift, from avoiding the mirror of our partner to seeing it as a valuable asset, is to empower our marriage to change us in powerful ways. To refuse or neglect this vulnerability is to build loneliness and rejection, which will break down the fabric of the marriage.
Part of the work in marriage counseling is to help each partner recognize and value the mirror held up by each other. Treating shame and fear tenderly, validating the hurts and loneliness that linger over memories and words, we want to come alongside partners and help them connect again.